Toxicity of Listening to Phone Calls
The minute my mother gets on the phone with one of her friends or relatives, I shut my door and put in some headphones.
Growing up in my conservative family, we were taught to always say ‘Salam’ when a family friend or relative calls, even if we had no clue about who they were. When I was younger, it made sense. But as I’ve grown, it makes less and less sense to me as to why I should pay any attention to those who call my mother and then ask about me.
We live in a very technologically advanced world, where getting in touch with someone is very easy. So what I don’t understand is why people who are friends with my mom try to check in on me through my mother, who will 100% not tell the truth about whatever situation I’m in. When people ask her “How is Alina?”, I always hear my mother tell them, “She’s doing really well. She’s graduated and now is excited to be back home with her family.” Yes, I have graduated. No, I am not excited to be back home, I feel trapped here. Then it goes, “Oh, that’s great to hear! What’s her plan now?” My mother’s response, “Well, we haven’t found a suitable boy for her yet, and we can’t keep her at home doing nothing, so she’s now planning to get her masters.” No, no, no. If it were up to me, I would be allowed to work (it’s stupid that I even need to ask for permission), and I would not pursue my masters until I was truly ready. While I love educating myself, the fact that my choice is either to get married or get more educated pisses me off.
I also think it’s funny how everyone has access to me via social media but no one bothers to check up on me. They always ask through one of my parents. While I understand that their relationship with my parents is much stronger than their relationship with me, I don’t think they should ask about how I am, even as a courtesy, unless they truly do give a shit. And this is not me taking anything personally, this is me trying to say that anyone who wants a relationship with me will have to do it through me, and not a third party. I am not who my parents think I am, because they’re trying to push an image of me which I do not agree with. And therefore to know me, you will have to get to personally build a relationship with me.
I don’t think these ‘family friends’ or ‘relatives’ truly understand any situation because they’re being fed lies about what my parents want me to do. That’s part of the reason I avoid even listening to these calls, because it just makes me realize that my parents are more worried about what their community thinks about me and my future rather than what I actually want to do. And it’s crazy to think this is more important than my happiness. The toxicity of having to live life the way other people approve is a huge problem in Pakistani culture. And a lot of people tend to ignore it or adjust their lifestyles to it, which should never be the case. I can’t imagine living life for someone else, and I don’t see any reason as to why anyone should have to.
